Yes, our truths and perspectives change. But I think, if I looked back on my writing in a decade's time and couldn't see change (in my writing voice, but also my opinions and ideas), I'd be more concerned. Reading this, I felt somewhat crowded in by the details of your personal relationships, which rather obscured your theme & larger ideas. I don't write lots of CNF myself, but I do write memoir, and if you're still at the venting stage, I'd question the material's readiness to be an essay or a public article. This is one of the many insightful principles in DeSalvo's "Writing as a Way of Healing" (which I've read many times).
It's one of my personal writing touchstone books. You don't see it mentioned much in the "canon" of writing books because it's supposedly about writing about traumatic events, but she has so many insights that apply to all writing - and it's beautifully, thoughtfully structured with analyses and stories of many author's approaches to the topic of trauma writing amidst her own research and experience. I recommend it highly for writing about difficult material - and beyond.
There are tortoises and hares in the world. I'm a tortoise. You're a hare. Speed is admirable, but so is tortoise wisdom. Instead of saying, "there! finished!" so quick, try out seeing a relationship in perspective. Maybe you've taken the first step with this essay. Maybe you don't want to break up with everyone. Maybe you don't want to break up with yourself. (And your mirror, your sister.) And maybe there are momentary truths and long truths. So what would your long truths be?
I agree that this piece is more about sorting through one’s emotional life than it is about writing CNF. Maybe the lesson is that one should always let the dust clear before writing about anything.
The truth that you come to in the essay, and the one with which I absolutely resonate—and have for many decades—is that "things change". We change, sometimes moment to moment. Checking in with myself, what my state is (thoughts and feelings) on any day, in any situation life offers (and it does, so often, require a "turn" in our journeys) is an essential part of who I am. It's not a self-analytic constantly-monitoring thing, but a calm and gentle "this is interesting" noticing of changes in thought, spirit, emotional state. And for me, it not infrequently becomes a prompt for poetry or short cnf.
Just setting aside the small matter of what is 'truth' in a relationship, the point you seem to be missing is that CNF is not for undisguised personal relationships and drawing absolute conclusions about others, especially when they are the problem. ;-).
I'm not suggesting there is a rule as such but, in my view, when CNF pieces make derogatory claims about the character of easily recognisable friends, associates and family of the author it becomes journalism. And when it becomes journalism it needs to stick to the facts and be prepared to defend itself against libel. And that's when publishers should become very afraid.
I appreciate the insight that “truth” changes, most especially when relationships are involved. Epilogues can be a way to address/reflect that--if the change is quick enough, or the essay gestates long enough. It’s also a cautionary tale about our understanding of truth and reality in general: It is always filtered, because that’s part of being human.
This essay confuses me. Not sure what the point is ... maybe it could end with
" there is nothing more truthful than that.
At least for now ... OR UNTIL I GET ANOTHER NEW BOYFRIEND."
I think this is about sorting through relationships, not about writing? That said, I give tons of credit to this author who gets out there and shares her work. More than I can often say about myself. Kudos for your honesty and vulnerability.
This comment is so interesting to me. My relationships have always informed my writing. Whether it's fiction, nonfiction, or poetry, human relationships are so fascinating and inspirational to me. I can't imagine not writing about their core truths.
This is great. I think while perspective, distance, "marinating" if you will, are all extremely important in any sort of CNF, we are all imperfect beings, and can only write from our truth at any given time. I think this is part of accepting that there isn't a whole lot of black and white in this world, and lots of shades of gray. Reminds me of the "we'll see" story from "Charlie Wilson's War." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2cjVhUrmII But, I think a lot of readers want writers to be 100 percent consistent, and to know what they're reading is "true," so those expectations are hard given how writers are hopefully growing and changing and processing in our creative (and personal) lives.
Good insights on something many of us run into when writing personal history. I have actually felt this same confusion/regret/desire to redo with so many of my pieces. Published when I knew something at a certain level, said the truth of that moment, and now I've changed, the situation has changed, and I want that redo. Or at minimum, I question what I said. But I do believe that we only know the truth of that moment, not how we'll see something as a future self. Truth is what we know right now, it's not an absolute. As a food journalist in the 90s I wrote pieces that fervently supported some health idea that I know now is totally wrong, at least for me. Then as a memoir writer in the early 2000s, I shared perspectives that have definitely changed. Great essay, thank you for stimulating this Friday morning.
Yes, our truths and perspectives change. But I think, if I looked back on my writing in a decade's time and couldn't see change (in my writing voice, but also my opinions and ideas), I'd be more concerned. Reading this, I felt somewhat crowded in by the details of your personal relationships, which rather obscured your theme & larger ideas. I don't write lots of CNF myself, but I do write memoir, and if you're still at the venting stage, I'd question the material's readiness to be an essay or a public article. This is one of the many insightful principles in DeSalvo's "Writing as a Way of Healing" (which I've read many times).
Agree, and good book recommendation!
It's one of my personal writing touchstone books. You don't see it mentioned much in the "canon" of writing books because it's supposedly about writing about traumatic events, but she has so many insights that apply to all writing - and it's beautifully, thoughtfully structured with analyses and stories of many author's approaches to the topic of trauma writing amidst her own research and experience. I recommend it highly for writing about difficult material - and beyond.
There are tortoises and hares in the world. I'm a tortoise. You're a hare. Speed is admirable, but so is tortoise wisdom. Instead of saying, "there! finished!" so quick, try out seeing a relationship in perspective. Maybe you've taken the first step with this essay. Maybe you don't want to break up with everyone. Maybe you don't want to break up with yourself. (And your mirror, your sister.) And maybe there are momentary truths and long truths. So what would your long truths be?
I agree that this piece is more about sorting through one’s emotional life than it is about writing CNF. Maybe the lesson is that one should always let the dust clear before writing about anything.
The truth that you come to in the essay, and the one with which I absolutely resonate—and have for many decades—is that "things change". We change, sometimes moment to moment. Checking in with myself, what my state is (thoughts and feelings) on any day, in any situation life offers (and it does, so often, require a "turn" in our journeys) is an essential part of who I am. It's not a self-analytic constantly-monitoring thing, but a calm and gentle "this is interesting" noticing of changes in thought, spirit, emotional state. And for me, it not infrequently becomes a prompt for poetry or short cnf.
Just setting aside the small matter of what is 'truth' in a relationship, the point you seem to be missing is that CNF is not for undisguised personal relationships and drawing absolute conclusions about others, especially when they are the problem. ;-).
And of course, there's also the perspective of "are they even the problem"? Is that what the essay should be about?
Indeed. My last phrase was meant to be ironic.
Really? I didn’t know there was a rule about what CNF is “for”. Care to elaborate?
I'm not suggesting there is a rule as such but, in my view, when CNF pieces make derogatory claims about the character of easily recognisable friends, associates and family of the author it becomes journalism. And when it becomes journalism it needs to stick to the facts and be prepared to defend itself against libel. And that's when publishers should become very afraid.
Oh this is quite wonderful. As a CNF writer I often go back and think "wtf was I thinking?".
I appreciate the insight that “truth” changes, most especially when relationships are involved. Epilogues can be a way to address/reflect that--if the change is quick enough, or the essay gestates long enough. It’s also a cautionary tale about our understanding of truth and reality in general: It is always filtered, because that’s part of being human.
This essay confuses me. Not sure what the point is ... maybe it could end with
" there is nothing more truthful than that.
At least for now ... OR UNTIL I GET ANOTHER NEW BOYFRIEND."
I think this is about sorting through relationships, not about writing? That said, I give tons of credit to this author who gets out there and shares her work. More than I can often say about myself. Kudos for your honesty and vulnerability.
This comment is so interesting to me. My relationships have always informed my writing. Whether it's fiction, nonfiction, or poetry, human relationships are so fascinating and inspirational to me. I can't imagine not writing about their core truths.
Parul Sehgal discusses the need for storytelling through Scheherazade.
"What is it that story does not allow us to see?"
"Tell No Tales" by Parul Sehgal .The New Yorker, 7/10 & 17/2023, pp 68-72.
I grow weary of constant repetition, and "truth" is a principle too malleable to serve as a standard-bearer; it can easily slide into "proof."
Thank you for pointing us to Parul Sehgal's peice, which was wonderful and thought provoking.
This is great. I think while perspective, distance, "marinating" if you will, are all extremely important in any sort of CNF, we are all imperfect beings, and can only write from our truth at any given time. I think this is part of accepting that there isn't a whole lot of black and white in this world, and lots of shades of gray. Reminds me of the "we'll see" story from "Charlie Wilson's War." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2cjVhUrmII But, I think a lot of readers want writers to be 100 percent consistent, and to know what they're reading is "true," so those expectations are hard given how writers are hopefully growing and changing and processing in our creative (and personal) lives.
Good insights on something many of us run into when writing personal history. I have actually felt this same confusion/regret/desire to redo with so many of my pieces. Published when I knew something at a certain level, said the truth of that moment, and now I've changed, the situation has changed, and I want that redo. Or at minimum, I question what I said. But I do believe that we only know the truth of that moment, not how we'll see something as a future self. Truth is what we know right now, it's not an absolute. As a food journalist in the 90s I wrote pieces that fervently supported some health idea that I know now is totally wrong, at least for me. Then as a memoir writer in the early 2000s, I shared perspectives that have definitely changed. Great essay, thank you for stimulating this Friday morning.
Fascinating how “truth” is constantly evolving! Thanks for this essay.