Thank you for relieving me of the anxiety of self-importance. I now accept that no one there knows who I am, so I will write my name all over my document, perhaps at the top and bottom of every page, as part of lengthy and wholly unncessary metatextual footnotes (initials only), the file name, and possibly even embedded as an acrostic somewhere in the text. Eventually, I hope that my name (not my actual name, you understand) will burn its way through your eyeballs, tattoo itself on your brain, and become motive for recurrent nightmares. (Thanks for cheering me up, Scott.)
Ann is acceptable only as a middle name, we have had too many commenters adopting that name to move up front in any alphabetical searches , only a handful have been smart enough to get around this by posting as Abby
Very funny! So many gems here, but I especially enjoyed “any piece containing the letter g will be deleted unread,” and “Please let us know clearly if there is a plot so we will not be startled or disturbed.” I firmly believe that there are a lot of editors out there who faint dead away when coming across a plot, or an ending. Include smelling salts with submission!
Wow! An April Fool's Day column . . . twice. This is not unlike twice-baked biscotti or wearing suspenders and a belt when I sit down to type. In any case, a free chocolate bunny to the first person who sends me a proposal. Word count unimportant. Serious replies only. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Whan that Aprille with his shoures soote, /
Yes, we have a high rejection rate. We are very proud of it. It is so high, we're told you can see it from the space station.
If you happen to be a Scorpio (our fave sign this issue) who has written a delightful coming-of-age story about you and your pet iguana between 1800 and 2000 words, we would love to see it. We likely won't publish it, but we'd still love to see it.
In the hyper-rare event we publish your story, please don't be daunted by our twelve-page contract, but be sure to note the section specifying our expectations you will support the publication on at least seven social media platforms, plus two hours on a busy street corner, and alongside the darling girls selling Girl Scout cookies outside the grocery store.
We love your dedication as a writer and would-be author. You make our world spin! Cheers.
Writers better hang on. I suspect a lot more rules and guidelines will be coming from we litmag editors, in response to what I call "submission bombing": the early stages of writers trying to game the system. Which means: sending dozens of stories or poems (AI-generated?) to scores (hundreds?) of lit-mags simultaneously. Flooding the zone. They begin to lose track of what's sent where, or what was just published elsewhere. Mistakes proliferate. One writer didn't even notice she'd forgotten to remove the AI-inserted bullet points on her manuscript when it designed her plot for her!
I guess I'm not asking the right people, but one day, maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but someday, I would like someone who uses AI to create plots to tell me why they do it. There's generally no money in writing, so it can't be that. It can't be the satisfaction of knowing your favorite AI bot has created a plot (plotbot?). The same can be said for submitting a plot to AI (I assume this can be done) and asking it to write out the story. How can characters come alive in your head this way? Where is the satisfaction? I remember the editor of the sci-fi (yikes, genre!) mag Clarkesworld writing a blog about how AI hammered his submission platform so hard he had to shut it down for a while.
As a legitimately carbon-based person who sometimes incorporates bullet points into fictional narratives, I (as my mom used to say) think I resent that implication?
Except they weren't incorporated into the narrative. They were on every single paragraph, including first and last ones. Kind of a "tell," to use a poker term.
It’s a fine line that you walked — successfully making someone laugh who sits on both sides of the submission ‘gate’ as writer and lit journal editor. Well done, sir!
Thank you, written in good fun with honest admiration for the skills and efforts of editors and evaluators, how can you not try to find humor in a process where only ninety percent failure can be a resounding victory!
Yikes, no wonder I haven't submitted anything to a lit mag in 40 years! Which is weird because I do enjoy reading them. When the stories have plots. ;-)
Absolutely brilliant - and so true. Reading while taking time out from making a wildlife pond. Nearly fell into the pond while snorting with laughter..
Thank you Becky for this opportunity and your assistance in improving the original version!
I love the idea of giving a trigger warning if there is a plot 😄
Thank you! I’m not bitter lol
Don't give an editor any warning. Let 'em read 'til the end and be surprised.
😎
Yes, that's one of the best lines.
Thank you!
Too true!
😊 thx
"We charge a higher reading fee than most journals. This enables us to process and reject your story in just one day.” (based on a true story)
Stranger than fiction
No doubt this was inspired by Narrative Magazine - - run by pirates wearing bowties and designer glasses.
Thank you for relieving me of the anxiety of self-importance. I now accept that no one there knows who I am, so I will write my name all over my document, perhaps at the top and bottom of every page, as part of lengthy and wholly unncessary metatextual footnotes (initials only), the file name, and possibly even embedded as an acrostic somewhere in the text. Eventually, I hope that my name (not my actual name, you understand) will burn its way through your eyeballs, tattoo itself on your brain, and become motive for recurrent nightmares. (Thanks for cheering me up, Scott.)
Ha. My mom always gives me a like so that’s all that matters 😊. Thx for reading!
My middle name is Ann, so does that mean I'm allowed to comment? And do you accept comments from people whose names aren't Anne or Ann?
Ann is acceptable only as a middle name, we have had too many commenters adopting that name to move up front in any alphabetical searches , only a handful have been smart enough to get around this by posting as Abby
Good point.
“We allow Times New Roman which sounds like a newspaper a gladiator would read.” You made me spit my coffee!
Thank you! What about the old Romans?
They could not read
Ha. They were still in “lend me your ears” mode
Indeed!
Very funny! So many gems here, but I especially enjoyed “any piece containing the letter g will be deleted unread,” and “Please let us know clearly if there is a plot so we will not be startled or disturbed.” I firmly believe that there are a lot of editors out there who faint dead away when coming across a plot, or an ending. Include smelling salts with submission!
Ha!
Wow! An April Fool's Day column . . . twice. This is not unlike twice-baked biscotti or wearing suspenders and a belt when I sit down to type. In any case, a free chocolate bunny to the first person who sends me a proposal. Word count unimportant. Serious replies only. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Whan that Aprille with his shoures soote, /
The droghte of March hath perced to the roote, /
And bathed every veyne in swich licóur /
Of which vertú engendred is the flour . . . .
Very fun. May I add--
Yes, we have a high rejection rate. We are very proud of it. It is so high, we're told you can see it from the space station.
If you happen to be a Scorpio (our fave sign this issue) who has written a delightful coming-of-age story about you and your pet iguana between 1800 and 2000 words, we would love to see it. We likely won't publish it, but we'd still love to see it.
In the hyper-rare event we publish your story, please don't be daunted by our twelve-page contract, but be sure to note the section specifying our expectations you will support the publication on at least seven social media platforms, plus two hours on a busy street corner, and alongside the darling girls selling Girl Scout cookies outside the grocery store.
We love your dedication as a writer and would-be author. You make our world spin! Cheers.
Love it
Writers better hang on. I suspect a lot more rules and guidelines will be coming from we litmag editors, in response to what I call "submission bombing": the early stages of writers trying to game the system. Which means: sending dozens of stories or poems (AI-generated?) to scores (hundreds?) of lit-mags simultaneously. Flooding the zone. They begin to lose track of what's sent where, or what was just published elsewhere. Mistakes proliferate. One writer didn't even notice she'd forgotten to remove the AI-inserted bullet points on her manuscript when it designed her plot for her!
I promise to continue to participate only in rejection bombing😊
I guess I'm not asking the right people, but one day, maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but someday, I would like someone who uses AI to create plots to tell me why they do it. There's generally no money in writing, so it can't be that. It can't be the satisfaction of knowing your favorite AI bot has created a plot (plotbot?). The same can be said for submitting a plot to AI (I assume this can be done) and asking it to write out the story. How can characters come alive in your head this way? Where is the satisfaction? I remember the editor of the sci-fi (yikes, genre!) mag Clarkesworld writing a blog about how AI hammered his submission platform so hard he had to shut it down for a while.
I have my hands full remembering my password
As a legitimately carbon-based person who sometimes incorporates bullet points into fictional narratives, I (as my mom used to say) think I resent that implication?
Except they weren't incorporated into the narrative. They were on every single paragraph, including first and last ones. Kind of a "tell," to use a poker term.
- That's funny.
- 🙄.
Thank you!
Hilarious!! Wiping coffee off my laptop from the laugh-spit moment reading this piece!!
Thank you. Fun to write.
It’s a fine line that you walked — successfully making someone laugh who sits on both sides of the submission ‘gate’ as writer and lit journal editor. Well done, sir!
Thank you, written in good fun with honest admiration for the skills and efforts of editors and evaluators, how can you not try to find humor in a process where only ninety percent failure can be a resounding victory!
Yikes, no wonder I haven't submitted anything to a lit mag in 40 years! Which is weird because I do enjoy reading them. When the stories have plots. ;-)
Andnowyou'vegotmesmiling, you hexed ocelot you.
Actually we are vexed ocelot but we get their mail all the time
That's actually what I wrote at first.
Laughing my ass off — this should come with its own trigger warning for coffee-spitting!
Many thanks!
Absolutely brilliant - and so true. Reading while taking time out from making a wildlife pond. Nearly fell into the pond while snorting with laughter..
Very kind, thx
As the saying goes: Many a true word spoken in jest...
All said with love lol