Wonderful essay! I just published my first book, Our Lives in Pieces, which is a collection of essays that have probably pissed off a few relatives. I definitely aim to make my own transformation the focus of my writing, not the person or event I’m writing about. I am also waiting for some key players to die before I write the rest of the story. I am always shocked to hear how one of my essays has touched someone’s heart in a personal way. So far, fingers crossed, no one is trying to sue me. 😬
RE: your title "Our Lives in Pieces" . . . by coincidence, I used the same phrase in the opening stanza of a poem I wrote more than 30 years ago - - memories of being 4 years old and making lace with my grandmother . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . It's noon, a time without the shadows here, /
Thank you, Tracie. It's quite a long poem in blank verse - so I rarely send it to lit-mags. Coincidentally, my poem "Merletto" will be in two journals this month. One is Agora: The Arts and Literature Magazine of NYU Grossman School of Medicine. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Four more lines from "Merletto" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I want to live on fingertips enclosed /
Terrific essay, Lisa. This is a problem for writer of nonfiction, fiction, and poetry. I am have been waiting decades for people to die before I can write certain stories—not because it slanders them or is even about them, but because of how I fear they will inevitably react to what I have to say.
What often surprises me, though, is that the stories I didn’t worry about can be the ones that strike ire or cause offense because it can be hard to predict what aspects of a piece people will take personally. I’ve had the opposite experience, as well, publishing something I was very worried about that did fall into the hands of the person I thought could be offended…and they loved it and were flattered.
Another aspect you touch on is when non-literary-minded readers come across your work and have a personal reaction—which is far more common in the digital age than when lit mags were safely tucked away in small print runs. The other day a neighbor came up to me in the local food coop and said, “I enjoyed your write-up,” then looked at me quizzically for a long time...
Hmm, a protracted, quizzical look! Thank you, Karen, for your comment. In a way, the fear of how people might react helps keep me sharp, though, as you said, people's responses are often surprising. An inherent (but good) problem is that I'm more honest in my writing than I am in person. In the latter, I'm bound by a desire to maintain amity or cloak a natural curiosity that might be seen as invasive. On the page, no.
Two people said that to me recently in two different contexts— Now I have to wait for them to die to write about it! I’m beginning to sense the plot of a comic murder mystery.
I'll offer a quick note from the other side: twice, I've been written ABOUT in essays by writers, and honestly, I absolutely hated it. Nothing deeply personal was shared or "stolen," and the facts were correct. But the impressions portrayed were not impressions I felt were accurate and were used for laughs in one case, and in the other case, not impressions I saw in myself and so were umcomfortable to witness. I still will write about people I've met and use their stories (mostly in fiction), though there's some material I choose not to tackle. The way I navigate the thorny path is understanding that's my life and who I am. As Truman Capote said when the "Swans" felt betrayed by his story, "I'm a writer. What did they think i was doing?" (paraphrased)
Thank you, Leslie. I have a feeling I would hate being written about because, well, couldn't I do the job more accurately and thoughtfully? (Please laugh.) I see your experience as something like a mirror v. a photograph. The first makes me think, yes, that's me, while the second usually sinks me. Why? It is the camera-holder's view of me. I like your navigation idea. I've bookmarked Capote's "La Côte Basque 1965" and will give the Swans a read; thanks for the reference!
Don't worry, I laughed! It was insightful to see the same incident from another's POV, and educational (in a highly uncomfortable way). No ill will there...just a good lesson to be less cavalier and more considered in my own writing about real life people/places. Thanks for the thought-provoking essay. The story isn't really a great story IMO, but when you research (even quickly) the real life references, it's some very intense gossip and betrayal--and you do wonder if he should have written the piece or not. Or, honestly, maybe one thinks that if he was going to write that material it should have been...better. Or been equally hard on "himself," not just using these women and their pain.
Interesting; good to hear. A tough issue. The difference may be that between exploitation and using your (both the writer's and their subjects) experience to excavate deeper truths. Collateral damage, perhaps? The difference between mendacity and fictionalizing for a greater good?
Great essay, Lisa! I grapple with this issue in my writing all the time, and have generally tried to avoid writing directly about anyone who is still alive. On a couple of occasions, when I was concerned about reactions, I have sent people drafts of essays, and that has worked well. Once, before I actually wrote about it, I asked an old friend about an incident we had shared many decades ago. When I wrote the essay, I incorporated a mention about how we disagreed on one aspect. She really appreciated that.
Thank you, Elizabeth--such fine solutions! I've made many drafts about a pivotal childhood experience with another person--whose memory of said event (now 50+ years behind us) is quite different from mine. At this point, I'm finding the disagreement as interesting as the event itself. Perhaps, a benefit of the backward glance? Thanks again for commenting.
Great essay, Lisa! And thank you for the quote from Simone Weil: “Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” It is the generosity we all hope for--kindly attention, that is--in writing and beyond.
I agree with the commenters about permission. I guess you could just fictionalize the H out of it. Rationalizing that you are helping others with the same situation as the one you portray from a life encounter is understandable and true. Still, there is always the other side of the coin on taking someone's story without permission. Not easy. Thanks for the heads up.
Alyssa, thanks for commenting. You're right--not easy. I tend to write from experience rather than, say, a concept. Part of that experience with the story I fictionalized was a reaction to strangers' misinformed or insulting comments about immigrants--both overheard in public and shared with me personally by other immigrants over the years. (For example, when immigrants come from countries with more of a safety net, receiving-country residents sometimes view them as exploiting public benefits.) I don't pick fights on the bus, but I can respond with my work. If you have an experience writing about events inspired by people you know, please feel free to share! Thanks again for your comment.
Thanks for your perspective, Lisa. My debut chapbook is publishing May 19th and includes CNF. It will be interesting how people who know me and my story respond, but not relevant to my audience, as you've described. It was helpful to read this.
Wonderful essay, Lisa. So nice to see your byline here. I often fail to live up to my motto of "I only worry about the things I can control," and readers' reaction is one of those things I can't control or should worry about. It's helpful to have 6 things that I can do instead of fretting endlessly.
The difference between fiction and creative nonfiction is the difference between Ernest Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises and A Moveable Feast. In "Feast," his depictions of individuals come across as mere score-settling. In "Sun," as art.
Elissa Altman has just published a wonderful book on this very topic, “ Permission.” I recommend it!
Thank you for the recommendation--much appreciated.
Wonderful essay! I just published my first book, Our Lives in Pieces, which is a collection of essays that have probably pissed off a few relatives. I definitely aim to make my own transformation the focus of my writing, not the person or event I’m writing about. I am also waiting for some key players to die before I write the rest of the story. I am always shocked to hear how one of my essays has touched someone’s heart in a personal way. So far, fingers crossed, no one is trying to sue me. 😬
RE: your title "Our Lives in Pieces" . . . by coincidence, I used the same phrase in the opening stanza of a poem I wrote more than 30 years ago - - memories of being 4 years old and making lace with my grandmother . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . It's noon, a time without the shadows here, /
Earth fitting trees to her embrace secure /
That she has left no trace, no certainty /
Of patterns, leaving our lives in pieces /
Near 12 o'clock, day's delicate balance /
Suspended, shadowless, conditional. ...
That’s a beautiful image! Thank you for sharing that.🩷
Thank you, Tracie. It's quite a long poem in blank verse - so I rarely send it to lit-mags. Coincidentally, my poem "Merletto" will be in two journals this month. One is Agora: The Arts and Literature Magazine of NYU Grossman School of Medicine. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Four more lines from "Merletto" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I want to live on fingertips enclosed /
In palms that hoard European know-how. /
She shakes from pale silk its unwillingness /
To be superior: pure handmade lace. . . . /
Please do not ever worry about flack from your relatives, Tracie - - unless you risk being disinherited by a billionaire uncle. :-)
Ha! No rich uncles in sight!
Terrific essay, Lisa. This is a problem for writer of nonfiction, fiction, and poetry. I am have been waiting decades for people to die before I can write certain stories—not because it slanders them or is even about them, but because of how I fear they will inevitably react to what I have to say.
What often surprises me, though, is that the stories I didn’t worry about can be the ones that strike ire or cause offense because it can be hard to predict what aspects of a piece people will take personally. I’ve had the opposite experience, as well, publishing something I was very worried about that did fall into the hands of the person I thought could be offended…and they loved it and were flattered.
Another aspect you touch on is when non-literary-minded readers come across your work and have a personal reaction—which is far more common in the digital age than when lit mags were safely tucked away in small print runs. The other day a neighbor came up to me in the local food coop and said, “I enjoyed your write-up,” then looked at me quizzically for a long time...
Hmm, a protracted, quizzical look! Thank you, Karen, for your comment. In a way, the fear of how people might react helps keep me sharp, though, as you said, people's responses are often surprising. An inherent (but good) problem is that I'm more honest in my writing than I am in person. In the latter, I'm bound by a desire to maintain amity or cloak a natural curiosity that might be seen as invasive. On the page, no.
PLEASE write an essay about the “write-up” encounter! 😂
Two people said that to me recently in two different contexts— Now I have to wait for them to die to write about it! I’m beginning to sense the plot of a comic murder mystery.
And I will be right here waiting.😂
Set a google alert!
I'll offer a quick note from the other side: twice, I've been written ABOUT in essays by writers, and honestly, I absolutely hated it. Nothing deeply personal was shared or "stolen," and the facts were correct. But the impressions portrayed were not impressions I felt were accurate and were used for laughs in one case, and in the other case, not impressions I saw in myself and so were umcomfortable to witness. I still will write about people I've met and use their stories (mostly in fiction), though there's some material I choose not to tackle. The way I navigate the thorny path is understanding that's my life and who I am. As Truman Capote said when the "Swans" felt betrayed by his story, "I'm a writer. What did they think i was doing?" (paraphrased)
Thank you, Leslie. I have a feeling I would hate being written about because, well, couldn't I do the job more accurately and thoughtfully? (Please laugh.) I see your experience as something like a mirror v. a photograph. The first makes me think, yes, that's me, while the second usually sinks me. Why? It is the camera-holder's view of me. I like your navigation idea. I've bookmarked Capote's "La Côte Basque 1965" and will give the Swans a read; thanks for the reference!
Don't worry, I laughed! It was insightful to see the same incident from another's POV, and educational (in a highly uncomfortable way). No ill will there...just a good lesson to be less cavalier and more considered in my own writing about real life people/places. Thanks for the thought-provoking essay. The story isn't really a great story IMO, but when you research (even quickly) the real life references, it's some very intense gossip and betrayal--and you do wonder if he should have written the piece or not. Or, honestly, maybe one thinks that if he was going to write that material it should have been...better. Or been equally hard on "himself," not just using these women and their pain.
Interesting; good to hear. A tough issue. The difference may be that between exploitation and using your (both the writer's and their subjects) experience to excavate deeper truths. Collateral damage, perhaps? The difference between mendacity and fictionalizing for a greater good?
Good distinctions, absolutely.
Incredibly helpful! Just naming the ‘quease’ opens up possibilities for my own process when I fictionalize old and real events. Thank you!
Thank you, Dawn! Feel free to share an experience if you wish.
Great essay, Lisa! I grapple with this issue in my writing all the time, and have generally tried to avoid writing directly about anyone who is still alive. On a couple of occasions, when I was concerned about reactions, I have sent people drafts of essays, and that has worked well. Once, before I actually wrote about it, I asked an old friend about an incident we had shared many decades ago. When I wrote the essay, I incorporated a mention about how we disagreed on one aspect. She really appreciated that.
Thank you, Elizabeth--such fine solutions! I've made many drafts about a pivotal childhood experience with another person--whose memory of said event (now 50+ years behind us) is quite different from mine. At this point, I'm finding the disagreement as interesting as the event itself. Perhaps, a benefit of the backward glance? Thanks again for commenting.
Great essay! I find it interesting that the one that caused you the most anguish was the fictionalized piece.
Yes, that was a surprise. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Great essay, Lisa! And thank you for the quote from Simone Weil: “Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” It is the generosity we all hope for--kindly attention, that is--in writing and beyond.
Thank you, Donna!
I agree with the commenters about permission. I guess you could just fictionalize the H out of it. Rationalizing that you are helping others with the same situation as the one you portray from a life encounter is understandable and true. Still, there is always the other side of the coin on taking someone's story without permission. Not easy. Thanks for the heads up.
Alyssa, thanks for commenting. You're right--not easy. I tend to write from experience rather than, say, a concept. Part of that experience with the story I fictionalized was a reaction to strangers' misinformed or insulting comments about immigrants--both overheard in public and shared with me personally by other immigrants over the years. (For example, when immigrants come from countries with more of a safety net, receiving-country residents sometimes view them as exploiting public benefits.) I don't pick fights on the bus, but I can respond with my work. If you have an experience writing about events inspired by people you know, please feel free to share! Thanks again for your comment.
Thoughtful and illuminating piece!
Thank you!
Thanks for your perspective, Lisa. My debut chapbook is publishing May 19th and includes CNF. It will be interesting how people who know me and my story respond, but not relevant to my audience, as you've described. It was helpful to read this.
Glad it was helpful. Congrats on your chapbook!
Thank you!!
Thankyou for this. I have written some poems, decades intervening in most cases, but have wondered about “permission.”
Wonderful essay, Lisa. So nice to see your byline here. I often fail to live up to my motto of "I only worry about the things I can control," and readers' reaction is one of those things I can't control or should worry about. It's helpful to have 6 things that I can do instead of fretting endlessly.
Thank you, Dave. As an expert in dread, I know of what you speak. Glad the tips are useful.
Will definitely share this with my students!
The difference between fiction and creative nonfiction is the difference between Ernest Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises and A Moveable Feast. In "Feast," his depictions of individuals come across as mere score-settling. In "Sun," as art.
Nice piece, Lisa. Lovely writing.
Thank you, Shelby!